I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
