I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
