I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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