Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
