I cannot find my penis.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
