i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
