Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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