I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
