If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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