I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Ladies don't puke and tell
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
