Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I wish there were birth control emojis
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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