Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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