dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
