jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
