dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
