The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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