You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
