: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
