yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
