I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Just puked most of my soul out..
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
