it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
