I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
