did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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