its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
