I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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