One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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