: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
