I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
