goodnight i made you a song goodbye
handjob tips. give me some.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
