my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
