I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just google imaged poop.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
