dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
