Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
