i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
