guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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