She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
