I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
