Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize