Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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