life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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