Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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