I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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