i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
