i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
