If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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