pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
