My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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