So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
