I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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