I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
