We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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