I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
