people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I don't want my vagina anymore.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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