idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
