next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
