Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
