I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
