I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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