I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
