Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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