Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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